Today we're talking all about love! L. O. V. E.
The reason we're talking about this is because whether you're in a relationship or not (if you're not in a relationship, we're going to show you there's things that you can do to find a way into a relationship), but this is mostly geared towards those in a relationship because if your relationship is out of whack, it will mess with everything in your life.
How many of you have experienced that?!
You want your relationship to be really well and…welp…it’s not?
Your spouse doesn’t support you in the way you need/want. Maybe you're having an experience where your spouse and you are kind of just roommates and you're not passionately in love. Maybe you're always stressed out about other things that even if you do succeed, it still feels empty inside because your intimate relationship is off.
Janiece is my wife and we used to fight all the time. We were young and we fought for the first year and a half of our relationship. Then we ended up breaking up and getting back together a year and a half later. And we haven't had a single blow out fight since it's been nine years and we've had disagreements, but we handle it with love and compassion.
Now, we’re in a place in our relationship where there's so much PASSION…so much EXCITEMENT…so much FUN…so much JOY! We’re having a great time every day and we just light each other up and we see all these couples all the time that just bicker and fight and stress. And I wouldn't feel right if I didn't do a podcast episode about this to try to share what we’ve learned.
First, I want to share what I've learned from a Date with Destiny with Tony Robbins (If you haven't been, do it while the guy is still doing events! There's an entire day of relationships and it's so incredibly helpful!) It's an investment, absolutely, but SO incredibly worth it. So, I want to talk about how is it that some couples have passionate intimate relationships and some couples are just roommates or they bicker all the time. And it's really, really simple…
Any suffering in your relationship comes from expectations. Whenever I see a couple fighting and bickering on a regular basis, it's because they have expectations that are not meant and instead of trying to GIVE to the other person, they are focusing on what they want to GET.
They stop focusing on what they can give, and they start focusing on what they can get.
That's why relationships end up getting into a deep polarized state, which we're going to talk about it a little bit. And the reason for that is because they've lost sight of why they got into a relationship. I love this quote...
“If you treat the person the way you did in the beginning, there will never be an end.” -Tony Robbins
Think about how you started off in your relationship. You had so much energy when you were showing up. You would bend over backwards for that person. You do anything for them to make them feel loved and appreciated and cared for. You would run to CVS and get tampons at two in the morning for them if they asked you to, because you just want to do anything you could to give them and to make their life better.
And somewhere along the way, that giving started turning into what am I getting?!
And from that state…expectation was formed and polarity was lost.
You're going, what's this polarity thing that we're talking about?! We're going to talk about that more in a second. This is what I learned from ‘Date with Destiny’. Something that I need to share with you today. But it's so important to understand that 95% of your relationship’s success is selection. 95% of your relationships success is selection. And some of you go… “Well shit! I'm screwed!” No, I do not mean the selection of the person. What I mean is 95% of the success in your relationship is the selection of the energetic state.
95% of your relationship will be instantly solved if you choose to walk into the room with a better state.
Let me give you an example: Two people that are deeply in love, and they have amazing energy around each other. Those two people, whatever relationship they are going to have, they're gonna have an amazing relationship. That's how Janiece and I operate. We have amazing energy around each other. Two people that are equally in love with amazing energy will have an amazing relationship.
BUT those same two people, if their energy that they bring to the room is just ‘okay’, if that's the energy they bring to the room, what type of relationship will they have?! They might not fight, they might just go through the motions, but guess what? Those people are roommates! Aren't they?! They're roommates!
AND if those same two people that are deeply in love, deeply care for each other and they show up with poor energy, focusing on themselves, stressed out, frustrated…those same two people in love showing up with poor energy. What type of relationship are they going to have?! A bad relationship! It's never a lack of love. That's the cause of relationship falling apart.
It's the lack of polarity. And polarity can be changed by an energetic state being changed. So what is polarity? This was huge for me when I learned a polarity. Think of it like the Yin and Yang, right? There's masculine energy and there's feminine energy, right? And both men and women both have masculine and feminine energy within them. You have masculine and you have feminine regardless of your male or female. For simplicity on this podcast, I'm just going to refer to masculine as men and feminine as female.
A relationship falling apart is never a lack of love. It's from a lack of polarity. The reason polarity is so important is because opposites attract. There has to be masculine and feminine in a relationship. And if both people are masculine energies, meaning both people are dominant, both people are assertive, right? If both people are masculine energies, then that relationship isn't going to go very well. If both relationships are feminine energies, that relationship isn't going to go very well, either. (To be clear, this is energy, not gender based).
Oftentimes what happens is through life we get exposed to different people or situations. For example, when I was a child, my mom was very masculine- very dominant, very assertive and my dad was more feminine- more focused on peace, the calm, the relaxation, the welcoming. And from my mom being very masculine, I adopted a feminine energy early on. And I thought… “This is who I am! I’m a more feminine guy.” …but deep down at my core, I'm very masculine. I just forgot what that energy was like!
My point is through childhood…through exposures in life, we start to adopt energies to make ourselves feel safe in life.
We need to ask ourselves, who are we? If we're being our true selves…
Are you more masculine or more feminine?
(NOT who are you CONDITIONED to be) but WHO ARE YOU REALLY?!
Are you a more masculine person or a more feminine person? Deep down, not who you are right now? Who are you really at the core of who you are? And the reason this is so important is because if there's a deep polarization, meaning if feminine on feminine, masculine on masculine energies (again, energies not female/male), that relationship will start to fall apart. People will lose attraction.
And so, if you've ever lost attraction in a relationship, it's because the polarity has gone. And this can be fixed by one person changing (not by both people changing) by one person changing. So I learned something that was tremendously helpful in terms of polarity.
There are three things that a masculine energy does to a feminine energy that depolarizes the relationship. (These are called the 3U’s in 3C’s).
What a masculine energy does to a feminine energy (we’ll say men vs. women to keep it simple).
3 things men do to women that makes the attraction (polarity) disappear:
When you're wearing a certain pair of shoes, does changing the pair of shoes in that outfit play a role in how you feel that day? Absolutely! But men don't realize they need to pay attention to these things. Or if a woman doesn't feel beautiful or like that person is paying attention to them (like she’s seen), the attraction will disappear.
**If a feminine energy feels seen, they open up!
Men have a habitual problem of trying to solve women's problems and guys out there that is not what women want. They don't want you to solve their problems unless they're in a masculine state. They don't want you to solve their problem. Women are feminine energies at the core of who they are. They want to be understood, right? They don't want you to solve their problem. If they are having a hard day at work, you need to sit down and say… “Tell me why you feel that way!”… “I'm sorry that happened!... “Tell me more about that.”
If you make her feel unsafe, she will close off, completely close off because it takes courage to be a woman in this world. Think about it, the greatest threat to women are men. So, every single time that a woman doesn't feel safe from you, it is moving her away from you. And here's the thing, women will test this. They'll test this to see and make sure that you got their back.
Let me give you an example: Someone in my personal life said some hurtful things about my wife on social media. And in that moment, I was like, “You know, it's no big deal! Let’s not sink down to their level.” But she wasn't looking for me to do the morally right thing in the situation, which was to avoid the conversation or to not give into the topic. But instead she was looking to make sure that I had her back. She was looking to make sure that she felt safe in our relationship.
There's also the other side, and this is when the feminine energy does these three things that I'm going to talk about to the masculine energy, that the relationship starts to lose attraction.
3 things women do to men that makes the attraction (polarity) disappear:
A man does not want to be criticized. Let me repeat that ladies. Men hate being criticized with a burning passion and you'll go, I'm not criticizing, I'm just helping. I'm trying to coach you… that’s the same shit, the same exact thing!
Think about this logically. Ladies, a man wants to be your hero. They want to be the one to provide and make sure they got your back. They want to be your hero. Then the minute you're telling them or criticizing them for the way they're doing things, they will feel closed off and they will not feel attracted to you.
So, and this, this is so important because it's almost like he feels like he doesn't have your respect. If you don't criticize him and you're just there and give him unconditional love and freedom and do what he's going to do, he will then seek out coaching from you to get better so he can better provide for you. But if he feels criticized first, no way!
If a woman closes, the man feels horrible, absolutely horrible. If you withhold love or just being open with him about anything, it will make him disappear. And here's the thing, if you close off, he will find something open elsewhere. Men need to fill, right? That's what masculine energies need to do. They need to fill. Women need to feel full and men need to pour into you. If he’s not able to do that because you're closed off, he will find it elsewhere and it might not be through another relationship and might not be through cheating on you, but he'll find it elsewhere (gambling, pornography, work, smoking).
And the third thing that a woman can do to a man (this is probably the most toxic), is to try to control him. The minute a man feels controlled, they feel zero. Control and love don't go together. A relationship is not an exchange of services. If you give a man freedom and give a man unconditional love, he will be your hero in life!
You give that to a man, and he will do ANYTHING for you and he will have your back! No matter what!
He will make you feel safe, seen, and understood!!
So, we talked about what polarity is, how to solve that polarity! I hope this was helpful and next week we're going to talk about what happens if that polarity is lost.
Thank you so much for tuning into the path of mindset mastery!
If you found value in this, I'm doing a raffle for a $50 Amazon gift card!
If you go to my podcast on iTunes right now, you give it a star rating and a written review- both the star rating and a written review. Then email me [email protected] and say “Hey, this is my name, here's my email. I did the thing!” I’ll go in and verify it and you get entered into a raffle to win an $50 Amazon gift card!
I hope you can take part in that. I'm just trying to spread the word to more people. Thank you so much for listening to The Path To Mindset Mastery! My name is Brad Bizjack! Go out there today (and every day) and live your life with a genuine smile on your face. (When your relationship is polarized, it becomes really easy to do that!)
I'll see you next week!
We’re talking about the five relationship stressors!
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