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How To Fix Your Toxic Relationship

Sep 18, 2018

With this girl, life is so easy.

If your relationship is strained, this is DEFINITELY worth the read.

Ever heard, "Relationships take unbelievably hard work?" I heard it this weekend and thought, "wow I totally disagree." Intentionality and effort? Yes. Stressful, hard work? Hell no.

If you're always fighting, is your relationship broken? Idk. But I do know that if you both love each other, it's preventable. 

My Relationship Part 1 (TOXIC) 

Lemme tell you an unsolicited story that could help you if you're having a hard time.

You might not know that Janiece and I fought almost every day for our first year and a half. I'm talking STUPID shit.

"I need to see your Facebook messages right now." "You looked at that girl." "You danced with that guy." "You didn't text me when you said you would." "I need reassurance." "Not enough attention." "I guess I just don't trust you."

Jealousy - Fear of loss - Pride - Past hurts creeping back.

It was like we were both trying to hold on for dear life to make sure we didn't lose each other. It was toxic. 

My Relationship Part 2 (HAPPY)

Now, Janiece and I haven't had a fight in over 8 years. Don't get me wrong, we disagree on stuff all the time. We might even say hurtful things on accident. But we haven't had a single blowout (tears, yelling, pit in your stomach) in 8 years.

Between our 2 experiences being with each other, we turned our entire relationship from toxic, broken and stressful to PASSIONATE, LOVING, and EASY.

When I say easy, I mean it is NOT HARD to love this girl. 

Here's how we did it:

(Try not to view this post saying, "my partner needs to read this." Instead, reflect on your own actions and be honest.)

1.) We made the decision to trust implicitly.

Trust is a choice. Without getting into the deets, my ex left me for the love of her life in college. It left me shattered. I was afraid of getting hurt again, so my guard was up with Janiece. Here's what I learned: If you go through your relationship trying to wait for the other person to earn your trust, you'll always fight. You'll come off as jealous, crazy, insecure, and overbearing. Here's the truth: Your new partner is NOT your old partner. Your new partner hasn't done anything to break your trust. YOU are breaking their trust by being crazy. Metaphor: If you've gotten in a car accident before, you still drive your car down the road today. Why? Because you TRUST that the other cars will stay in their lane. So make the decision to TRUST that your partner will stay in their lane. Letting go of the past is a choice. You don't need their proof before you do. The consequence, if you don't, is your relationship eventually coming to an end.

2.) We stopped leading a 50/50 relationship.

Ever felt BORED with your partner? Welcome to roommate recipe. I'm not saying you shouldn't divide and conquer. I'm saying that if your relationship is "I'll only show more love ONCE THEY DO," you're failing. Tough love: YOUR RELATIONSHIP IS NOT AN EXCHANGE OF SERVICES. Your relationship is an ACT OF SERVICE. That means you GIVE without expectation of return. When you do, reciprocity shows up. But if you expect reciprocity before you give, you'll never receive anything because your partner won't want to give it to you. Janiece and I adopted a 100/0 mentality. We GIVE and just have faith the other person will love us back. Stop giving so you can receive. START giving so you can show them love.

3.) We started treating each other the same way we did when we first met.

When you first met, you'd do anything for the person, right? You'd sprint to CVS for tampons at 3 am, right? You'd give back massages just because you wanted to show them love. You'd take them out on a date because you wanted to make them feel special. A lot of people believe that when the honeymoon phase ends, the relationship is over. A relationship isn't infatuation. It's emotional, not obsessional. The acts of kindness you gave when you were courting the other person is EMOTIONAL. It's what caused them to love you. DO THAT SHIT AGAIN. She still leaves me notes in my luggage all the time. "If you treat your partner the same way you did in the beginning, there will never be an end." - Tony Robbins.

4.) We stopped trying to correct each other.

We stopped trying to get each other to fit into our perfect mold of a spouse because all it caused was resentment. The truth: Your spouse will never be perfect. Janiece does things that piss me off sometimes and I sure as hell piss her off at times too. When we stopped looking for perfection and started accepting the other person, this became WAY easier.

Your relationship is a relationship. NOT a problem that needs solving. Just because YOU respond to the world in a certain way doesn't mean they have to. I get it. I get it. You're trying to, "make them better." But your job is to LOVE THEM. Not to make them better. They'll become better through love and support. Not judgment and anger. We solved this by getting GRATEFUL for each other. We traded our expectations of how things SHOULD go for appreciations of how things ARE going.

Here's what's awesome: When Janiece started feeling appreciation for who she already was (without me trying to correct her), she upped her game.

This doesn't mean to stop requesting changes. This means stop demanding changes. Requests give direction to love. Demands stop the flow of love.


Fighting Is A Waste Of Time

Fighting is disrespectful, hurtful, unkind, and a pointless waste of time. All it means is that you are against your partner. Create a relationship where it's you AND your partner against the problem.

All fights are a waste of time. If you win, you lose because you feel bad. If you lose, you lose because you got attacked by the love of your life. Choose love over ego.


Anyways, I've seen a lot of people go through relationships hurting each other. This can be prevented.

And as someone who used to get into fights with the love of his life almost daily, I'm living proof that you can change things.


Your relationship can be amazing. All it takes is intentionality. Not unbelievably hard work. Intentionality.

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